practicing a new poem i wrote
I suppressed a lot of emotions growing up because I didn’t like the thought they were originally based off. Like most people, I judged myself too harshly and shut off everything I didn’t like.
Years and years later here I am with a disoriented view of my own reality and presence and after a year of introspection because I kept falling on my ass due to my negligence and denial, it’s all hitting me at once. This is gonna be an attempt at sharing my own emotional truths without any influence from the outside world. How I truly feel without presenting it in a way to other people’s. Wish me luck.
My life is a series of compulsions.
I need to get this off my chest. Since the idea popped in my head a total of 20 minutes ago, I can’t shake the feeling that I NEED to do it.
What if I just got up and ran away from here? The desert steadily drains me and the relationships here feel almost identical to maintaining mundane job responsibilities that I no longer want but only feel obligated to.
I find myself romanticizing articles such as the one where the man takes a letal amount of painkillers, walks off into the forest, and buries himself in a book until he peacefully dozes off.
I don’t want to die. But it makes me worry that I still find myself wishing to be in this fantasy world that drugs create. I realize it’s my surroundings. I am. So. Bored. Here.
And everyone around me will scream stay stay fight fight! Fight to be normal and a functional member of society!
But I am terrified that the closer I get to this idea that society puts out, the more of a bomb I will become. You can’t teach a fish to climb a tree. I don’t think I’m meant for this day to day life of their precieved idea of productivity. One day I will explode and it will leave a line of casualties. At this point I would like to point to them and say, you did this from expecting something from someone I am not. This is from you projecting what you thought I should be instead of accepting me for what I am- which at this point is undefinable and that is okay! I want to yell at them to stop being scared and trying to control things you dont understand nor can predict.
But at the same time, I hate myself for not being able to sit comfortably with the idea that I am doing what I am *supposed* to be doing. I have a constant and reoccurring compulsion to just get up and change every single thing about my life. I know, after years of experience of giving in to this, that it does not bring me happiness. It’s a greater compulsion for self destruction than anything else. Maybe I ultimately fear settling? Being the norm of operating adults who just quietly sit in their resentments and regrets and ignore their old day dreams that led to a life of a greater possibility?
Who knows what path I will take. This week alone will be one for defining.
I hope the ones I do love here in this desert understand my choices someday.
I can’t be chained to what other people want for me. And I’m sorry for giving the false hope that I could be *saved* by their definitions. I just hope they see that I have been saved, by their love. And their continuing support for me exploring myself in ways they couldn’t understand. I love them. But I need to love myself as well and this desert isn’t watering me in the ways I need.
I’m too much of a coward and I know I wouldn’t fully commit to a life of change if I do it gradually, so I truly hope they understand the possible decision to quietly sneak out of this place and go awol for awhile. They’ve given me so much to take care of myself so I hope they have faith in themselves as well to know I will be okay. Or more than okay than if I didn’t do what I needed to do.
I once believed in love. I had this vision for it and how it would engulf me with certainty that I am undeniably in love. Instead at age 23 I am left with only questions and myself. The causalities I’ve left behind in this search for what I always thought would scream from rooftops about how this is the person, this is the right choice, never came and soon my murderous spree of believing I could give myself to people I wasn’t sure of caught up with me.
What life has been like the past couple months.
if u ever want to stop having feelings just masturbate b/c at the peak of orgasm the human brain is incapable of processing emotion
inspirational
(Source: eridanampora, via catamphetamines)
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost
(via wordsnquotes)
